I was beginning to believe this day was never going to happen for us. The day I came home, peed on a stick and it wasn't a negative test result staring back at me? It can't be real. The day I saw the positive test sitting in front of me, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It hasn't been an easy road to get here, in fact half of our 2015 was spent getting here. After just shy of 4 years of trying, 3 failed fertility treatments, hundreds of everyone else's pregnancy and birth announcements coming up monthly, weekly or daily in our newsfeeds. After 4 months straight of hormone pumping, 31 injections, multiple vaginal ultrasounds, so many blood tests I know the lab technicians life stories, and many many tears...here we are. We're finally PREGNANT!
It feels like it's taken until the past couple weeks for it to actually feel real. I love Tom's analogy when we first found out, "It's like we've been banging our heads against a brick wall for 4 years and then the wall broke...but we've been banging our head for so long we don't know what the heck just happened!" I still think it might take until the delivery for him to actually believe this is real!
Spring 2014 we felt ready to go back to the fertility clinic to tell the doctor that we wanted to do the fertility treatments we did before. She told us at that appointment that they won't work for us, and our only option would be IVF. That's a hard pill to swallow when you know you are healthy and there is no explanation for your infertility. She basically said, go think about it and when you decide your ready, we will be here. We were disappointed and conflicted after that appointment. I really wanted someone to make the decision for me. We just weren't ready to commit to IVF. It doesn't seem fair that we are just as healthy as the next couple pumping out babies like nothing yet we have to go this route for ours...that is, if it even works.
By fall of 2014, I was crumbling into a million pieces. I couldn't take it anymore. The pain of not being able to have a baby wasn't going away, it was hurting more than ever. I felt depressed, alone, and if I did talk to anyone about it, they just couldn't understand and would say something that made it hurt worse. In that time, I saw a psychologist that works specifically with infertility, she was amazing. First she told me I was normal, then she really encouraged us to go for it and do the IVf. The line she left me with was "Have more compassion for yourself in this time." That stuck with me through the entire process...and I still wish I could be her friend. We called the clinic and by the time we finally got an appointment to get going, the soonest we would be able to start the IVF process was January, plus we needed to work around Tom's travel schedule. January 2015 was mellow, we only had to do a few tests to get the ball rolling, had our orientation where they made me pierce myself with a needle for practice. I left sweating and shaking and wondering how the heck I was going to manage all of these injections on my own. Would I end up lying in the fetal position crying on the bathroom floor as a side effect of all these crazy needles? I was prepared for the worst.
I was doing 2 injections a day. Near the end, I had to add a third for the last 6 days. By now, abdomen was looking beat up and bruised, I was pretty tired of this routine and I finally used my brain and started freezing my skin prior to the injections...only clueing into this after way too many days of working up the courage for the first poke every single day. I was only minimally sweating after each shot by the end, so pro! I got so good that one of the last injections actually took place in a parking lot because I had to drive Nolan to a basketball tournament that morning and it obviously conflicted with needle time! Picture me, sitting in my car, trying to duck down as I mixed the concoction, filled the needle and started to inject. To make it worse, I did park behind a dumpster which only would have made it look even worse, had I gotten caught! It was a blessing none of Nolan's friends parents caught me and question my integrity!
A couple days after the last injection meant it was time to go to Vancouver for the egg retrieval. That went down two days before my birthday. I didn't care that I would be spending my birthday week this way. The doctor was so great, and we had 14 eggs retrieved. I wasn't feeling great in the mornings and my Kelowna doctor worried I was overstimulated from the hormones. I tried to not be overstimulated, obviously by googling how to not be overstimulated by IVF hormones, but the next day, my birthday, she phoned me and let me down that the embryo transfer would be postponed for a few more weeks which meant, major sadness and driving back home to Kelowna feeling weird because I was leaving a part of me behind.
After egg retrieval, they fertilize the eggs. We had 10 fertilize. They called on day 3 with a report saying all were looking great. Day 5 they called again with bad news that they had lost half of the embryos and they could freeze one for sure, but they'd call us the next day about the others. I would wait by the phone pacing and anxiously awaiting these calls. My kitchen had never been cleaner (I am a nervous cleaner)! On Day 6 they called to say of the 4 remaining, only one of those could be frozen. I spent that day in bed crying. Tom kept telling me that all we need is one, but it's just so scary to think that we had come this far and you could lose it all so fast.
After 6 more weeks of priming my uterus, it was time again to go back to Vancouver for the transfer. We watched on a screen as the doctor perfectly placed this embryo into my uterus, which might sound weird and gross as you read it, but it was incredible. I am still amazed and so thankful for the doctors and nurses that walked us through this process. They were really really great! 5 minutes after the transfer, we walked out of the clinic and that was that. This all happened the weekend that we had to be in Abbotsford for Nolan's select football team practice. He ended up with food poisoning and was up sick all night long. After transfer, I was supposed to relax, sleep, put my feet up...instead I didn't sleep at all that weekend, was super stressed because he had to miss a day of practice, and guess what? It worked anyway.
12 days after the transfer I had my official blood work confirming we were indeed pregnant. Two more tests over the course of the next couple weeks to confirm it was a viable pregnancy, which it is. Then the 7 week ultrasound to confirm we have just one baby growing...and seeing that tiny heart beating was like magic. A tiny miracle that was frozen only weeks before and there we were watching this precious baby's heart beating so strong.
It's still hard to believe some days. But now I am feeling this little guy move around in me, my clothes are getting tighter and as we talk about our future, it now includes this precious life growing inside of me. I've been lucky enough to feel pretty good so far. Aside from being crazy tired, I really am feeling great. The only one really suffering from my fatigue is Tom because I am not cooking meals like I used to!
On May 12th, the dark cloud that has been following us was lifted. I feel a peacefulness has fallen over me. Infertility was hands down the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Nolan's dad dying was really tough too, but with that, time heals. With infertility, time doesn't heal because the pain never has a chance to stop. I am so incredibly thankful for this baby, for the technology that helped us get here and an amazing support system of friends and family! Even more so since we have gone public with this news. For those of you who followed our journey as I blogged about my heartaches over the past few years, and your prayers...thank you so much! There were times when I truly didn't know if my heart would ever stop aching. No more fighting for joy. Life is the best it has been in a long time! Now, how am I supposed to wait until January to meet this sweet baby!?!
xo.
