she talks

More Babies Please.

I'm remembering all the love and encouragement that poured into my life during our in vitro last year. My friends sent me a card of encouragement for every day of needles. It was better than Christmas! May 1st, 2015 was the day of my embryo transfer. We were in Abbotsford that weekend for a football camp for Nolan. Only a small number of people followed our journey closely and knew what was happening. Nolan got food poisoning that same night and we were all up the entire night with him. I remember feeling so scared that it wasn't going to take. On May 12th, 2015, we found out it worked for us and for obvious reasons, it was one of the best phone calls I ever received.

You maybe think I'm crazy, but I'm ready to go again. Yes...Wylder is only 4 months old but I want another baby! Even if it means another c-section. I can't help but have flashbacks of the heart breaking road we had to ride out to get to this place of insurmountable joy! If you haven't noticed on social media, I'm that irritating person in your feed that only posts baby pics. If you've unfollowed me, I get it. I heard that happens... But I am a doting mama. I could take 30 of the exact same picture and struggle to delete half of them. I think every noise that comes from this babe is the greatest, sweetest noise I've ever heard in my life! Meanwhile, the rest of you are moving forward in your days and over here it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and I'm still in my pyjamas staring at my baby.

The flashbacks of struggling to get pregnant are still painful. If I'm being honest, I'm scared to walk that journey again. I can't put into words just how broken I was in that time. Having no one to relate to me or understand the constant heart ache of longing for something I just couldn't have so easily like most people around me. Hearing advice from people who only knew how easy getting pregnant can be. I know they meant well, but it just hurt so much to hear the light hearted advice as if I hadn't 'tried to relax', 'go on vacation', 'eat better', 'workout less'. It was better when my friends would listen. Although that lighthearted advice usually came from people who weren't in my close circle, and people who had no idea how broken my heart was because they simply could not relate to what infertility even meant. Hearing how they knew other people struggling as well only minimized my feelings. Would you tell someone with cancer that you know other people with cancer, just so they realized they weren't the only one struggling with their daunting reality? Probably not. But with infertility, I was told that and as a result, I put up walls and even shut out some of those people.

So here I am, hoping and praying this time is different. I'm not sure IVF is an option. I did however learn in that time to have grace for myself. There was nothing I was doing that was preventing pregnancy nor was there anything I could do to make it happen for us.

I feel hopeful we can have another baby without treatments, based on me knowing several real life people this has happened to and I pray to God that we get this lucky! I am aware though, that this might not be the case and we have talked about a 'game plan' going forward if it isn't easy again.  I'm not meaning to sound negative, I am just guarding my heart because I've been there, and it sucks more than I could ever tell you! Wylder has filled a gaping hole in my heart. He was so worth the hardship and wait which is why I want more babies in this house! Another good thing, aside from my darling baby boy, is how Tom and I have been able to listen and be there for other friends of ours that happen to be going through the same thing. I'm thankful to be a hopeful story for them.

Life has never felt so perfect or so right. I never could have dreamt things would be this good and I am so thankful and excited to see what's next for the Ulm's! Maybe not another baby like, right away, because I am loving watching Wylder's personality blossom, and we would never be bummed if it happened... Now please excuse me as I go watch my baby sleep... #obsessed 

 

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The {almost} 3 Month Update

Wylder is almost 3 months old, weighing in at 15 lbs and 2 feet tall.  Let me say this, my life gets better every single day.  As much as I enjoyed him as a newborn, I'd be lying if I didn't say the first two weeks, no...I lied, the first four weeks, was not only a struggle being a new mom again but emotionally, mentally and physically. I felt like I didn't know him for so long.  He was a different baby every day.  It was so different than when I had Nolan.  You know how babies come into this world so pure and innocent?  Well I've come to the conclusion that this isn't true.  I mean, he's pure and sweet but in the bible it says we should be slow to anger.  Wylder would go from zero to ten without warning then stay at TEN until he finally got tired of crying, which would be for an indefinite amount of time.  I mean even when he cried for 5 minutes in the middle of the night, I swear it was actually 3 hours!  So one day I sent Tom out for gripe water. Don't judge or do judge, I don't care.  Remember, we are in this together, doing the same job as mothers and fathers raising babies/toddlers/kids/teens!  Like I said, we bought gripe water.  It helped him take the soother better because he isn't really soother baby either so we just dip the soother in some gripe but unfortunately for us, Wylder caught on our trick and refused the gripe covered soother.  He was confusing me, much like his father did when we first started dating, so he stopped accepting the soother and we were back at square one with an angry, unsettled Wylder that had us taking turns pacing the halls, "shooshing" him until he finally gave into sleep.

Taking it back to the bible, let's talk about patience being a virtue.  I don't think so.  Even I find this one confusing but Wylder was far from patient. FEED ME! CHANGE ME! HOLD ME!  So we did.  Dinner waited, sleep waited, Nolan waited, because Wylder was the boss.

 

Tom was going away for work right around Wylder's 7th week of life.  With the help of my most amazing friend, I got the courage to sleep train him.  I was so scared it was going to be a disaster, so every day and night my dear friend/sleep coach would walk me through what I should do and tell me how great I was doing.  Wylder took to the sleep training like a champ.  I'm probably one in a million to have a baby not cry through it but by night 3, he was sleeping until 4:30-6am.  This past week he's had two nights of sleeping until 7.  Since the sleep training, my baby boy is a completely different baby.  He's calmer and happier.  He also doesn't need to be held all the time and will lay on his back smiling at his toys for an hour several times a day.  No more crying fits of rage and no more pacing the hallway.  I really couldn't have done it without the daily encouragement from my amazing friend!  She is a already a huge blessing in my life, but was especially good to me the moment Wylder entered this world. #lifecoach

11 weeks post partum and I'm finally feeling like myself again.  I've been making daily and weekly goals including showering, cooking, cleaning, exercising and trying to reconnect with friends again.  I lost a part of myself on the long weary journey to have this baby and I'm working so hard to restore what was lost. Moving on from friendships I sadly lost through my hard times, working past hurts and issues I have, learning to love again and learning to create healthy boundaries as I surround myself with good people.  It's not easy but I'm looking forward to this new chapter of life.  We are in it and on the other side of it now and the feeling is incredible!  

'LIFE'S GOOD!  LIFE'S GREAT!  LIFE GETS BETTER' - Tom and Nolan's dinner chant (cuz they are that cool!)

 

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