I need to be real. It is who I am at my core. I thought this year would be better with no fertility treatments or fertility drugs to make me feel crazy. That wasn't the case. It turns out that no matter how hard I pray or whatever I use to try to distract myself, I cannot stop the pain in my heart and the sadness I feel as a result of our infertility. I wish I could stop thinking about it for one day, one week, one month...that would be freaking amazing! Unfortunately not only am I reminded monthly that this is our reality, but by facebook and instagram and heck, just going out in public. Everybody is pregnant or has a brand new baby, did you know that? I have developed a sixth sense in these 3.5 infertile years where I can almost tell you that you are pregnant before you know you are pregnant. You think I am joking, but I'm not. I think it's God trying to guard my heart.
Don't get me wrong. I am truly happy for everyone and their babies and all the excitement that comes with it. Naturally though, it reminds me of what I want so bad, but can't have and I feel a pang of jealousy and wish it was me sharing the exciting news, I cry a little bit, but I get over it fast. I have to because you're not the first or the last friend to share with me this exciting news. This is the wonderful nature of Infertility.
The worst...if I may, is when a friend avoids me and won't tell me their news because they don't want to hurt me, but do you know something? Avoiding me hurts big time. Or the baby is born and I can't lie, I already feel very much out of the baby-loop, but a friend is too busy for me with their baby or all we talk about is how tired they are from their baby, but I am tired too from my infertility and I just need a friend. I don't sleep well because I often wake up in the night praying for my miracle to take place and honestly, I wish it was a crying baby keeping me up. It sounds like a better reason to be up all night.
In the past I would pride myself on the kind of friend I was. I haven't been a great friend this year because I simply don't have much to give. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from this journey we are on. If I could change it today I would, but I can't and I need to be real. I am sorry I don't have the energy to text, call or come over on my days off. You can always text or call me...but maybe you are afraid I will bring you down, because I might. I have good days and bad days and unfortunately I am in a season where I am having more bad days than good days, this does not mean I don't still have fun and laugh because I do. In the past few months, I feel very alone which I realize is mostly my fault. I am avoiding people who are potentially going to tell me they are pregnant and although I am happy for you, I am extremely vulnerable right now and I am scared I might cry when I should be punching the air with excitement for you! I need to be around people who are supportive right now (I am thankful beyond words for these friends...you have no idea how much your love means to me). Friends who ask me simply how I am doing are worth GOLD to me and they are 'safe' people. Friends who ignore my pain are not my friends because this is my life right now. I avoid baby showers as well as people who have told me all the cliché baby-trying sayings, the fact is that if you have never had to really 'try' you will have no idea what this is like for me, and none of the things you say make me feel better. It is a disease that feels more like a black hole and I am trying not to fall into it. I often fantasize about throwing a temper tantrum...maybe that would help?
It makes my heart sad, but I can honestly say that I have lost friends as a result of infertilty. It is what it is and all I can do is accept it. I should view it as a blessing because we don't lose friends, we just learn who the real ones are. I am digging deep for faith and hope, but my hopes have been crushed too many times already, I am finding it hard to find any strength to muster up even the tiniest form of hope. Hope for me has lead to a lot of heart ache, the kind that hurts so bad and won't stop hurting. Heart break changes people, it is changing me.
I cannot disregard the fact that I have an amazing husband who is so incredibly supportive through all of this even though it isn't easy for him. He loves me when I am a sad wife, when I am doing the ugly cry and when I am feeling too emotional and hormonal (hormotional?). He is the best! And Nolan, the boy who rocked my world on January 17, 2002...I never knew what the love of a mother was until he came into this world and as he grows into an amazing young man, I am so very thankful to be his mom!
There is some good news because I recently saw a psychologist who specializes in Infertility. She told me that I am doing awesome (although I feel like I am falling apart at the seams). She sees people who are going through this every day and she was very impressed with how well I was holding up. Do you know some women with infertility take sick days off to be sad? I don't. She told me that she knows we are going to have a baby, we are the best case scenario! She also said it's fine that I am avoiding all of these baby scenarios...I am not a jerk, I am just not strong enough to handle it right now and I love myself enough to guard my heart and that is ok. She talked about empathy and how hard it is for people who are not going through my pain to take a moment to dip their foot in my situation for a minute to try to understand the heartache. Her conclusion for the girl who walked in feeling 'crazy' and left with a glimmer of hope:
"What you are experiencing right now...is life."