this is for all the people out there who know part of our story. the ones who are wondering but don't want to ask. for the people who don't know what to say. for anyone who is walking the same road as we are.
it’s funny, i really didn’t think this would be hard for us. it sure wasn’t when i was 18. although, i'm sure at that point there were people who were in the shoes i wear today, hating the fact that i fell pregnant so easily. the thing is, when i had nolan at 18, i never knew just how amazing my life would be from that point on. i had a great pregnancy {minus the volatile relationship i was in and out of the whole 9 months} no sickness, it was textbook actually. my baby kicked exactly when “what to expect when you’re expecting” told me he would. he had a perfect little heartbeat at every appointment. my labor, which until i actually had friends to compare birth stories with, i thought was so tough, really wasn’t bad at all...not pleasant, but not terrible. from the moment the doctor announced that we had a precious, healthy baby boy, then placed this not totally cleaned up baby on my chest, my life was forever changed for the better. this child brought so much joy to my life and continues to do so.
i am so thankful i met tom. he is amazing, and the relationship that him and nolan have formed is unbelievable! they love each other so much and it almost brings tears to my eyes when i see how much nolan looks up to him as a father, a role model, a friend…
tom and i talked about kids pretty early into our dating relationship. patience is not my virtue, yet he made me wait 4 whole years until he married me, so our plan was to jump right on the baby train. we wanted a bigger family and at that point our dilemma was whether we were going to have 2 or 3 more in addition to our precious nollie ollie! he wanted 3, i wanted 2. i would think up cool ways to tell nolan we were expecting and couldn’t wait to watch his face light up with joy as he found out he was going to be a big brother! we all dreamt about how amazing the day would be when we brought this new family member home, and how molly and dennis would react to this new tiny person. little did we know, we would be trying for much longer than expected. month after month my heart broke a little more. i have spent a disgusting amount of money on negative pregnancy tests and shed many, many tears. in the beginning, it was hard. i felt bad that i was so devastated after only 2 months of trying, then 4 months...6 months...8 months...one year! i mean, one year isn’t even that bad and we know a lot of people who tried for much longer or are still trying and even have bigger issues than we do, but we wanted it so badly. plus i had already had a baby, my body knew what it was supposed to be doing...and that is the point where i started to break. in that first year i was taking vitamins, seeing a naturopath, cleansing, working out less, then working out more, eating more dairy, eating less dairy, not drinking alchohol after ovulation, using a fertility monitor, avoiding certain foods, eating more of other foods, working less, googling far too much. i was living my life without living if that makes sense. planning everything i did around my ovulation schedule. if you told me to drink a special concoction, or see a certain doctor, i would have. i went to acupuncture and had a full blown panic attack complete with the sweats and shortness of breath as he put a needle in my foot and one between my eyeballs...then left feeling like a total loser for the scene i displayed.
i finally convinced tom to let me go to the fertility doctor. if you don’t know tom, he has an admirable amount of patience in this journey we call “life”...me, not so much. in fact, it’s amazing i waited a year to make the appointment! i was cautious who i told about all of this as i was feeling extremely vulnerable (still am), and i felt like a loser, sad to admit, but it’s true. it's hard to take these steps when you are "healthy"...it just doesn't seem fair. the doctor was great and after lots of blood work and a bunch of tests for both of us, the verdict came back that we couldn’t be healthier and there really weren't many options to help us because there wasn't a problem to be fixed. she said we could try iui which meant me going on clomid {to make more than one egg}, even more blood work and then hopefully we would fall pregnant. tom wasn’t ready for this, so i asked her if i could try the clomid on its own. she wasn’t overly optimistic about me doing this since i already ovulate. in fact she said, “sure, but it’s not going to help you”. nice. so last fall, i did two cycles like that. boy was i scary...i actually felt so angry while i was on these pills, i swear i could have unzipped my outside skin to remove the monster that i felt it made me. i had hot flashes, night sweats, dizziness, headaches, bloating...these pills were the worst and i was on the lowest dose. i have friends that have taken 3 times as much and didn’t even seem to get half the side effects i did. the doc was right, they didn’t help me.
last december we took a “break”, which when you are trying, a break is really hard to take…
the timing could not have been worse. i was so emotionally weak. you wouldn't believe how many people around us announced their joyous news of being pregnant or birthing their babies. don’t get me wrong, i am very happy for everyone, but it is just hard when it is in your face every day on facebook or instagram and we just happen to be at the age that everyone is family planning. and even if i still love their babies, it still felt like salt being rubbed in my wound. one day, right before christmas, no joke, 5 people in one day told us they were expecting, and we even received one text about a baby being born! it could’ve been from a movie! the last friend to tell us that day, happened to be while we had friends over, we both ran down to the bedroom and he said, “you gotta laugh...this is crazy”! then he poured me a generous glass of wine...he is a good, good man!
fast forward to spring 2013...i revisit the clinic. we decide we are ready to commit to iui. this means more "crazy" pills. after i finished the pills, i would go in every morning for blood work so they could pin-point my ovulation. the first round, i did 6 days in a row of blood work...it was grueling to say the least and i suggest alternating arms each day. my body went nuts on the pills, i made 4 giant eggs, which was actually really scary thinking, OMG, i am going to be octomom... i was in a lot of pain and was banned from working out or being active in any form until after the procedure. i found myself googling success rates for iui, success stories, while i symptom spotted for the two weeks i waited for more blood work to see if infact we were pregnant. unfortunately, round one failed.
round 2 iui, i was put on a less intense pill...which still sucked and made me break out in random sweats. cool hey? back to the blood work every day...i met a lot of old folks in the line up each morning, that was the only good part. round 2, was less exciting, i wasn’t able to find out how many eggs i had and to be honest, i didn’t feel like it was going to work anyway. round 3...same thing...and one last devastating fail.
that brings us to summer, where july of this year made it a whopping 2 years of trying. i was dreading this. no joke. i would wake up in the middle of the night crying in the spring just thinking about how i didn’t want to be the couple who tried for two years. but july came and went, and here we are now over two years and still trying. i can't help but fear it will be 5 years or worse 10 years more. then when do you decide to do ivf, or maybe adopt, and if i was rich would a surrogate be an option, or would i actually go to jail for stealing someones baby? and just how many cats, makes one crazy? august came, and i couldn't believe how exhausted i would be from the iui hubub...so i pretty much slept the month away.
tom has so much hope. i am sad a lot of the time and i find hope hard to hang on to. it just hurts so much to hope and be let down month after month, but it's almost impossible not to think, "this might actually work one day"! every week someone we know announces a pregnancy or a birth and like i said, we are so happy for them, but i am also reminded of what we want and can’t have right now. i can’t help but feel left out. i wish i didn't get a pang in my heart when i see a fresh baby out and about! every month i am devastated. i cry. and if i don’t cry, i am so proud of myself, until i see someone is pregnant and then i cry. i think about avoiding parties and baby showers because i am scared someone will tell me they’re expecting, or worse yet, ask me if we are, and my eyes will well up with tears and i find myself feeling yet again, alone in this. most people don’t understand, and that’s ok, i never did until we started this journey. everyone loves to give advice...my favorite one-liners are:
“just relax!”
“you’re trying too hard!”
“you need a vacation!”
“just get drunk!”
“you’re next!”
i apologize in advance if you say these things to me by accident and i dropkick you. {i'm funny right?}
i am digging deep to embrace where we are at. to enjoy life right now in this moment. to trust God in this. my heart aches and i can’t deny it. i can’t stop it. i find myself wanting to ask google himself, “why the hell is this happening to us?", but google doesn’t know me. if i am being honest, i really thought this would be an easy part in my life. this girls “twenties” have been far from a cake-walk! in the meantime, please know:
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i don’t feel sorry for myself.
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i understand that this is going to shape me and i want to grow from it.
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i want to know about your pregnancies and meet your babies.
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i don’t want any advice on what we should or could do, trust me, we have tried it all.
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i do have a lot of good days even if i have some hard days.
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i need my friends {thank you, from the depths of my soul, to the friends who have supported me and been my friend these past two years}.
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we are going to be ok.
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we will have a baby {or two or three} one day.
and please know, i do realize that i have a really awesome little family already and do not take this for granted.
comments/messages/love are all welcome.
